S.A.H.M

As I mentioned before, this is the time of year in my former life that was hectic with work. So, naturally, I have spent a lot of time this past month or two thinking about and talking with friends about work and work memories, current and past!! It makes me a little nastalgic. Almost makes me get out the old resume, add a few lines and send it off. But then I think about the time clock, and having to be there at a set time, and dropping the girls off with some random person to spend the day... and I realize that is just not going to work.

I am blessed to be able to stay home. Many folks do not have this choice. It is true. When we first decided that I would stay home (it was a family decision, really).. I had all these delusions- delusions of ample time to sew, craft, scrapbook.... playing and crafting with my kiddos for hours in a house that was super clean.

Then I began my journey as a SAHM (stay at home mom). At first, I was thrilled. Then I realized I did not know anyone else who stayed home, except one friend who was expecting. I started to feel lonely and unscheduled. I realized my calendar was no longer filled with meetings.... actually, I didn't even need a calendar anymore. In an effort to get out of the house, I started going to the library story time, but quickly realized Allie was a tad young, and I spent the time chasing her instead of her listening. I tried out Lil Gym classes, swimming, etc. All in an effort to have something to put on my calendar and an excuse to get out of the house.

After a few months, I hit a wall. Kyle had gone hunting for the week, leaving me home alone... which doesn't seem like a big deal, but when I was already feeling lonely... this was just the icing on the cake. By the time he got home, I was downright frustrated and angry. Instead of talking to him about this, I became passive aggressive. And a couple nights later, during one of Allie's wake ups at 4 in the morning, we had our real first fight. Now, by fight, i dont mean raised voices. If you know Kyle, you know this is not his mode of operation-even when provoked and we know I have tried to provoke this type of emotion!! Anyway, by the time we got up in the morning I realized that Kyle was not the problem. Allie was not the problem. I was the problem. For so long I had prided myself on my work, on my independence. I had always enjoyed my job, and felt challenged while successful. These feelings were important. And they were gone. I did not necessarily view my new role in the same light and struggled with my new identity.

So, I tried to start again. I realized I needed more, and should not feel guilty admitting this. So, I got involved in my church, taking on some roles and jobs that gave me an outlet. I also joined a MOPS group. I began to spend some time with other moms who stayed home and found myself able to once again focus on this new amazing role ....and the blessings that I had. I was home and witnesses all the firsts.. rolling, crawling, walking, words. I began to feel successful in my job as a mom. I remembered that I was still a person of value, and that my job was important.

Now, 3 years later and another baby later, I am still a SAHM. Proud to be. I am still involved in other ventures to keep my brain active, like my church and MOPS. I am now good at taking me time, in order to be a better mom, wife and person. I also make sure to schedule mom and dad time, using a sitter weekly to allow us this alone time (or if Kyle is working, I get me time). I need to take care of me, my marriage and my children. And, while I am not perfect, and still have moments of frustrations... I much better at this balance now. I dont feel guilty for taking me time!! I feel stronger. I feel healthier -mentally and physically. I am proud, again, of who I am and what I do...